A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.

Gilbert K. Chesterton


When you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm - Dan Heist

It must've been so hard on you
I'm sorry for all I put you through
I'm sorry for the helping hand I didn't lend
I wish I'd been a better for you

How do I tell you I'm sorry -
With a gesture, a look, a touch?
How is it I never realized
I hurt you so very much?

*

I'm sorry I hurt you
I didn't mean to
I'm sorry I hurt you,
I regret it, I do.
What I did, I regret
So lets make up and forget.

*

I love you
Just coz
Please forgive me
I'm sorry

One of the hardest things to handle in a relationship is conflict. While a good and fair fight can clear the air and help you to feel closer to your lover, many fights are just hurtful and destructive. Fights that never go anywhere, that are repeated year after year, or that leave you feeling awful about yourself are not going to help your relationship. Those are the kinds of fights we need to take another look at, and find out what is going on underneath. This is true for any conflict that doesn't feel right, not just those you have with your lover.

With most fights, there are layers of what we mean, feel, intend, hope for, and believe, and what we actually say. We may only say a little of how we feel, or we may even say the opposite of how we're feeling on a much deeper level than the surface. Problems arise when we don't come from the deeper levels.

Some people think that the top layer of what they feel and think is all that there is, yet they feel something's missing in their relationship. Others know how they feel but instead of stating their feelings as their own, they blame how they feel on their lover, leading to hurt feelings and arguing that goes nowhere. This is often the time that people call it quits on a relationship.

Many break-ups occur because we do not know how to get to our inner depth, or getting to it, how to share it. What we want to say isn't what comes out of our mouths. We argue about something meaningless in order to get space from our lover, rather than feel the anxiety or fear we may have about setting boundaries or looking at what we need. We argue to feel more alive, instead of looking at what is missing in our life. We argue about what our lover spent money on, rather than face our own issues about money. We argue as a way to control our lover, rather than face our fear of being controlled. Regardless of the content of the argument, until we are prepared to express and respect our lover's deeper feelings, beliefs, and meanings (and s/he respects ours), very little change can take place.

We can work around our lover's "sensitive points," expect them to do the same for us, and make compromises, but how far does that really take us? While problem-solving can help, particularly in the immediate future, often it isn't enough for the long run. As long as the deeper issues remain unaddressed, our relationship will be flattened, soured, or lost to meaningless fights.

So how do you get underneath the arguments? By being vulnerable and risking being as open and as honest about yourself as you can with your lover. Take anything you argue about and ask yourself what is upsetting you. Usually people will respond with answers that are about their lovers - s/he spends too much money, s/he is defensive, s/he doesn't listen to me. Now try asking yourself the following questions:

* what about that bothers you?
* how do you feel about it?
* how do you react to it, and what does it mean to you?
* what if anything are you afraid of?
* what do you believe it means about you or your relationship?
* does it remind you of anyone?

Try not to get bogged down in intellectual answers. Even if you know the answers, see if you can connect to your feelings about it and notice whether any other thoughts, feelings, associations, or memories come to you spontaneously. Sometimes the best stuff just suddenly occurs to us.

Next, find an opportunity when you and your lover aren't rushed or distracted, and share how you are feeling about the issue. When mentioning something about her/his behavior that affects you, phrase it within your own experience ("When I think that you are not listening to me I feel...I then worry that...it reminds me of...which feels...to me). Even when you want to mention something that your lover does, focus on you and your deeper responses. You may want to ask for something specific ("Could we set aside times to listen to each other?") which your lover can consider, but initially it is usually best to have you and your lover listen to and understand each others' deeper responses.

You might be tempted to leap to a solution, but this is only the beginning. If you settle on a solution too quickly, you could miss something that still needs to be unearthed.

The listener's job is to listen attentively and to verbalize understanding for the other's feelings, regardless of whether or not the listener agrees with her/his lover's perception of the events. For example, maybe you think that you're the one who's always listening to your lover, and it is s/he who doesn't listen to you. It's okay that you do not agree with her/his version of reality, but for now, offer only your understanding of how s/he feels and what it means to her/him. It is important that you suspend your difference of opinion and only offer understanding.

When you're finished with that, switch roles. Feel free, as the one who just listened, to say something like "When I hear you say that, I feel...because I believe that I do listen.... This reminds me of...and I feel...and I don't know what else to do. I feel that you don't listen to me. When this happens I feel...." It's important to not argue about who does or doesn't listen, or what you each do, but rather, the original speaker should now listen and offer understanding for how it must feel. Keep going back and forth and see what happens. You may not notice anything for a while, but you might. If you don't, try not to worry or rush the process; something usually shifts over time, especially if you keep going deeper. You never know what you might discover - it may be a completely different issue than you originally thought. Only by staying with your deeper feelings and reactions will you discover what is underneath the arguments.

By each of you truly understanding the others' perspective without judgement, you'll be able to move through this barrier in your relationship. Stick with the formula, even if it feels unnatural, and you may find that the two of you are laughing about what started the whole disagreement.

= 1sholistic.com

1. Ask the important questions - at the onset, to make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship ( dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged)as well defining exclusive(limited to one person,) non exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?"or "What are you looking to get out of the relationship?". Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maitain what they need.

2. Communicate in some way every day - more than once if possible. Since you won't be seeing each other, it's important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don't have to be long, in-depth conversations (though those should occur sometimes). Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program or VoIP for real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection, but while instant messaging and e-mails play a large role in long distance relationships, remember that they can in no way replace verbal communication. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget.(Even though phone calls might get a little too expensive, there are special cards if you are to call each other from different countries, there will be no problems with costs since it is very cheap. We highly recommend you get one of those cards, it will be a lot cheaper and from experience E-mail and instant messages makes it easier to misunderstand each other.) Write [[Love|love]] letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand - you don't take communication for granted!

3. Do things together. Defy the distance - Frequent communication is a great thing when it can be managed in a long distance relationship. However, constant communication over the phone alone may tend to drag people down in the long run. It's important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. Just think... people in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show or movie simultaneously. For an extensive list of more things you can do with each other (or for each other) click here: [http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/thingsforldrcouplestodo.htm]

4. Take advantage of the benefits - a long distance relationship offers: more time with friends and/or family, no arguments over toothpaste caps, the pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality - something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together.

5. Pursue common interests - even if it means pursuing them apart. If there's a movie you're both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while on you're on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.

6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling - People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match - or someone else is a better match - your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.

7. Talk about your future together - Assuming that ultimately you'd want to live together, discussing how you're going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.

8. Know when to say good-bye - While this is tough in any relationship, this can be especially hard over long distances. When communication becomes one-sided or sparse for too long and for no apparent reason, when arguments (yes, you'll have them) become too frequent, when the whole thing just seems like more trouble than it's worth, it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. Either you'll decide to go your separate ways, or you'll get closer for having overcome another obstacle to your happiness together.

9. Remember things will get better - with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope.

10. Pray for each other - with GOD, nothing is impossible.

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